have you ever felt like you don't fit in? i do just about every day. some days i feel like i don't fit in at work and some days i just don't feel like i fit in my own skin. i feel so incredibly different than all those around me. i try to be okay with it and for the most part i think that i am but there are some days when i am acutely aware of my differences.  as i am writing this i am realizing that a lot of problems are coming from stereotyping genders. i feel very different than other women but i know that there are women different like me. sometimes i just feel that there is something else out there for me but i have no idea what it is. i don't want this to be a pity party or to feel sorry for myself. i think that is also a problem of mine but that is another blog for another time.

so i tend to not do well in social circles. i expect people to come and talk to me and when they don't i feel miserable and not good enough. and then because i am feeling that way people don't want to talk to me because i am giving off terrible vibes. so i tried something new. it all started the beginning of july. friends of mine that got married had a second reception. ine of the bridesmaids i never really liked. at one point we were the only ones at the table and of course she didn't try to initiate conversation so i was a little upset. this time was different. i decided to take the leap and start a conversation. it was great. turns out we both work with kids and have other things in common. so then i saw her again a couple of nights ago. i decided to ask her about something she had mentioned before. she seemed genuinely happy that i asked her about it and i felt good because we were talkiing. i realized that it is okay for me to start conversations with people and that i don't always have to wait for them.

well this is my first foray into blogging and i'm still not quite sure how i feel about it. i like the idea of journaling and writing stuff down but leaving it open for the world to see is a bit nerve-wracking. i know that i can make any of these private but then that begs the question: what's the point. so here i am ...putting myself out there. i tend to be a very private person and much of a loner. i have a desire to learn from people but i am very picky about the people i chose to learn from. my fiance (from here on: jeff) says that i should be open and willing to learn from and everyone regardless of their situation. i find that very hard to do. i think that i am in a position in which i want to meet people who are farther along in their path than me because it makes much more sense to learn from them. although as i am writing this it all sounds a little weird. i think that ideally i should be learning something from everyone and maybe i am just not open to it. i will admit that i have a closed mind sometimes. it sucks to admit it but it is good to get it out in the open. that's the only way it is going to start to change right? so that is where i am at as a start this new journey.